Chill Out

We go to the library every Tuesday. The neurologist suggested putting AJ in as many social environments as possible to help him with his social skills. We have been coming to our local library's toddler time since February. When we first started he would run all over the room 'cause the large open space was just too tempting to pass up. Then he would sit in my lap and refuse to participate. Then he would participate as long as mommy was doing the motions too. But today, oh today, was beautiful. He sat next to his brother, not on my lap. He stood up when everyone else did. He did the motions to all the songs without even looking at me. He stood in line without any prompting from mommy to go get his sticker at the end. Today was a great accomplishment for AJ.
Until....
One little boy, couldn't have been more than 15months old, kept walking up to AJ and touching him. AJ doesn't like for strangers to touch him. He politely backed up and gave the child his warning screech. The child wouldn't quit and the mommy made no attempt to come and get him. I saw potential for a bad situation. And I started planning my speech. "Um, see he has autism, well not really autism but PDD, but its on the spectrum of autism. And well he doesn't like for people to get in his personal space. And, um, he doesn't speak much so he really only knows how to screech to let you know he doesn't like what you're doing." I had this whole monologue running through my mind and watched this child continue to poke AJ and I tried to intervene in a very polite way since the other mommy wasn't making a move.
And then she looks at me as if to say, "Chill out, he is just a baby."
And all the sudden I realized, I don't have to qualify AJ or his reactions. Why do I owe her a speech? She's not offering one to me about the fact that her child doesn't respect personal space or about how he has problems with touching complete strangers.
If her kid doesn't have to wear his problems around his neck, why should I hang AJ's diagnosis around his neck.
Today was a success regardless of our little situation. And actually, the "situation" showed me my child may have a diagnosis but everyone has issues :)
Afterall, we all need to "Chill out. They are just kids."
So this post isn't full of revelation maybe, but it opened my mind and allowed me to understand maybe for the first time, that AJ isn't so different from the rest of the world.

Not Otherwise Specificied

So I've done some more research on A.J.'s diagnosis, which we learned was PDD. Further studying showed me the more accurate and complete diagnosis is PDD-NOS meaning Pervasive Development Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified. Children are given this diagnosis when they show some signs of autism, but doctors aren't necessarily sure where on the spectrum they fit.

Not Otherwise Specified?!?! What does that mean?! As a parent, I am not comforted by this terminology. I mean, let's just break this down. Pervasive just sounds awful all by itself. Development Disorder, tells everyone he is not in order. Not Otherwise Specified sounds like, "We aren't necessarily sure what to do with you, but you're not right."

In my mind, I categorize things. I have a little file box which I neatly tuck all things away in their proper place. Where do I file PDD-NOS? If the doctors aren't even sure where to put this, how am I supposed to know? I just got used to saying, "My child has PDD." I found a box to put that in, but this NOS nonsense has messed with my head.

I have truly struggled with this. A.J. is not a statistic, or a case study. He is my youngest child, my son. He is a sweet and loving little boy who likes to play games like, "I'm gonna give you a kiss," and "Tickle, Tickle." He is a laid back child who can count to 100 and loves the book, "I love you Through and Through." He is a beautiful little boy with long curly hair, long eyelashes, and five dimples. He is my son whom God has promised that his voice will change the world. A.J. may not be specified in the medical world, but he is completely specified by God his creator.

God's name is higher than all names, says the Psalms. His name is higher than a diagnosis. And I know exactly where to file that information.

Be Content

Be content
So its early Sunday morning and I'm off in dreamland.
And I hear A.J. crawl up in my bed. And then it happens that horrible sound. Bleeeeech! Vomit all over my bed.
Gross.
My husband,sweet as he is when conscious, wakes up startled and can't figure out what to do next and I'm already stripping the bed.
Then A.J.,poor guy, so weak lays his head down in the middle of it!
Now I wanna vomit.
Aaron comes to his senses and starts moving A.J. toward the shower.
He gets in and I continue to strip the bed
And my husband makes coffee, my hero!
Aj gets cleaned off he's still crying we get new jammies on him and we sit down on the couch take a sip of my coffee
And the alarm goes off.
What else to do but laugh.
And so the day begins
We get Abbey and Cole up and get them ready for church
I stay home with A.J. and spoil him with cuddle time and as much tv as he wants
He totally gets off the hook for any therapy at home today.
I probably did 8 loads of laundry and bleached every surface possible.
By the time Aaron and the kids got home A.J. had puked 3 more times we had went thru 4 pairs of pajamas (including my change) and the house had that sicky bleach smell.
I know what youre thinking..."Man, I wish I had her life. The glitz, the glamour. She's got it all!"
And you would be right I do have it all. When we went to bed that night I thought about how lucky I am. I have a husband who loves me, I mean truly loves me. I have 3 of the most beautiful children God ever put on this earth. I have a home filled with memories and laughter. I have a God who loves me in spite of all my flaws and moments of unbelief. I have a God who has never let me down and who loved me enough to teach me a lesson about contentment.
I took a long time to get here. I had to lay down alot of unforgiveness, guilt, resentment, and anger. But what is left is pure joy. I am content with who I am, what I do, and what I have.
Several months ago, God spoke in my spirit to be content with where I was and what I was doing. I had just received news of some income loss which resulted in having to let go of my part time nanny which resulted in my ability to be apart of the adult working world which I dearly loved which we resulted in me back to being a stay at home mommy which at the time I didn't love. I know some would think thats an awful thing to say, but I said it.
Being content with where I was made me angry. "Don't you know I love to work? Don't you know I'm good at what I do?" were questions I often asked in anger to God.
I resented staying home, often repeating this phrase, "I was made for more than this," as I wiped down the same counter I wiped yesterday. I did not want to be content with where I was and I was angry. But God had determined to teach me a lesson about contentment and joy. And I'm glad he did.
The truth is I will never reach the full capacity of what God has in store for my future until I accept where he has me in the present.
Not only do I now accept it, I embrace it. I'm not asking how much longer do I have to do this, now I'm saying how thankful I am for every second of it.
I am content.

Oh so Special!?!

I remember always feeling special as a little girl. I was constantly told I was so pretty or I was so smart. I remember always getting to be in the play or being picked to do something special in a church program. I remember being the girl that everyone wanted to be friends with. I was the one to keep you laughing or keep the conversation going. I was oblivious to the world around me or other people feelings. I was selfish, but not rude just oblivious!
I know now as an adult that everybody didn't feel that way as a child. I know now not everyone felt special.
I miss that feeling
My mom always made me feel that way. Special.
I haven't felt special in a long time. I no longer the life of the party usually because I don't go to the party.
What is special? Well(you had to see this coming :) Webster says special is distinguished or different from what is ordinary or usual, particularly valued.
But in my life special now takes on another meaning.
I'm a mother of a child with special needs.
What does that mean?
It means appointments with specialists and therapy and tests.
It means nothing is easy everything takes extra effort and explanations.
It means feeling different and separated not necessarily set apart like I felt in my youth. Set apart was what I strived for. I never wanted to be part of the crowd or blend in.
My how that's changed....
I would love to go to toddler reading time at the library and just be like the other mommies with their non special needs children.
I would love to not feel the need to make an excuse every time we enter a new situation or a new group of people.
But I don't have that choice. A.J. is special. With special needs. He is distinguished or different from what is ordinary or usual. He is particularly valued.
He has special needs and I'm the only one that can meet them. Which means now I have special needs. But who meets mine?
Alot of the time there is no one that can. Because what I feel can only be filled by the Lord. Only He can fill this need I have
And he reminds me that I have been set apart for a purpose and a plan....for My special A.J.
I have to let him fill me so I can fill A.J.'s needs
And he whispers to me for I know the plans I have for you and A.J. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future
God above is able to meet every need I have if I let him be Jehovah Jireh.
I am Special and I'm learning to love it again!

Compromise or Promise?

My son has PDD. There I said it. Step 1 admission Step 2…….I don’t know yet.
I can finally say it out loud…but I still don't know how to handle it.
He won't talk to me, unless it is his idea.Simple things like, “Do you want a banana?” just turn in hours of a stand off. I'm not supposed to give in until he answers. But I'm the mommy, not the speech therapist.I want to give him the banana. I know be wants it and I want him to trust me to take care of him. Cause that's my job to love him and nourish him and nurture him. Why is it do hard?I want what's best for him, right?
Or do I want the easy thing
The compromise or the promise.
The compromise to give in and give him the banana let's me go on to the next part of our day and, after all, there's a small reward in it because he did point and stand in that area of the kitchen. He even said banana.But he's supposed to answer the question to encourage communication.So I exchange the long term goal for short term satisfaction.Because I'm exhausted and tired of waiting and I want him to be happy And the promise seems so far away.
I'd like to say I'm learning my lessons and holding fast to the truth but I'm notI'm worn down and unsure I'm gonna make it thru this
And then the frustration of why sets in
And the guilt sets inA
nd the anger sets in
And I'm back at the beginning
Choose compromise or promise
If I compromise I don’t have to face those thoughts and emotions....today.
But if I want the promise I have to fight hard and be uncomfortable…a lot! without the assurance that this will all turn out fine.
See my interpretation of the promise and God’s actual promise are two entirely different things probably. All the information I have is the end result. How we get there, well he didn't tell me that part.
But I am not as those that don’t have hope. I have hope in Jesus Christ I just lose sight of it in the daily struggle of life sometimes. I wish I was sharing a testimony but I'm not I'm sharing a struggle that God is helping me through. One day I'll share a testimony of what I've been brought out of and I'll stand in the promise
For now you can hear my story and know you're listening to a woman who believes God is sustaining me.
And every day I make a choice compromise or promise.